I want to take off my fat suit

I’ve decided I’ll give blogging another try. Although, I may not be terribly entertaining because I’m quite in control of myself.

My meds are working well, I’m not a zombie, I am feeling, but not constantly feeling extremes. It’s pretty cool.

BUT. BUT. I’m big. I don’t like to name call, but the first time I typed that, I typed “fat”. I’ll break it down, and spill some embarrassing numbers:

I graduated high school in the 150s

I got married just under 200

I gave birth to my 1st child @ 214

I got down to 155 when I was manic

And now I’m 206

Oh gosh I hope my husband pretends he didn’t see this because I haven’t even admitted this to him, and he knows everything!! (But honestly, he’s seen me naked lots of times at this weight so idk what it matters)

I don’t understand what’s so hard about losing weight. I think I may have multiple issues facing me right now: slight depression, laziness (ill blame it on the depression…), and not understanding HOW to lose the weight.

I know that last one sounds silly. Watch what you eat and exercise. Bam. It’s just, losing weight is so closely tied with my manic episode that the thought of it makes me uncomfortable.

Hypersexuality has always been a huge part of my life, and losing weight and starting to think that I “look good” will bring it back. It is the hardest part of me to fight.

I don’t know how to fight it. Lock myself in a bathroom? Scratch myself until I stop? (I used to self harm when I would feel extreme emotions as a teen but it never got serious). I could do what I think I’m doing now and just make myself undesirable.

How do you handle your HS? Idk if you all feel like I do, but I’m like a cat in heat and on the prowl. It’s deplorable.

I could set out knowing it will return, and then face it head on. Call the psych and see if we could do a med change to battle it? I think that’s what I’ll do. I think I will give the hypersexuality a face, do a little bit of personification. I think that might make it easier to confront. It will be a war, but I never enter one I know I won’t win! I HAVE to make myself healthier, and a better person for my kids.

Those Dunkin Donuts in the fridge as sooooo calling my name.

I always figure out so much when I blog 🙂 Thanks for listening!! Your experience, thoughts, and advice are welcomed!

6 thoughts on “I want to take off my fat suit

  1. Get smaller plates. It makes the portion look bigger and the trick is to eat 20% less. Supposedly a study was done on the French who tended to be slimmer than Americans. The biggest difference that was reported was that they simply ate 20% less. It’s not impossible and you do not have to eat cardboard. There is plenty to be said for eating right but I am sure there are millions of people out there who can inform you about that. Might be a good idea. Then there is that exercise thing. Of course it will make you feel both physically and mentally better so see if you can exercise at an improved rate too. Worry about your hyper sexuality is pointless. It is smart to be aware of it and to work out a way to make it work in your life. That is do not ruin your life. Good luck with it.

    • Thank you for your comments and suggestions! I used to be a workout MACHINE!! I guess I have just enjoyed not having to fight any bipolar stuff lately that I do not look fwd to doing something that I know will cause trouble.

  2. Have you looked into the paleo way of eating? It’s not a diet. It’s just a way of eating for health over all. Upping the protein though makes it where you’re not hungry ergo less food intake.

    Anyway, I think being HEALTHY is more important than being THIN.

    • I know how to lose weight, my problem is with knowing that with losing weight and feeling better about my body comes HS. I don’t know how to handle that.

      I don’t want to be thin, I want to be fit and healthy.

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