I forgot to put a title here.

I think we’re going to have to change the times I take my Lithium up a bit. I see the psych this Friday.

I am currently taking:

Lithium 1200 mg at bedtime

Ambien 10 mg at bedtime

Ativan as needed

Pretty mild considering some of the other concoctions I hear about people being on. So that’s one positive I suppose. But I am tired of being irritable and nasty in the evenings and night. Some people in my support group said my meds are probably wearing off, which makes perfect sense. Either way, I am just going to go in to the office Friday and present my symptoms. I think I do a really good job at keeping Pillars and the kids out of the line of fire. I just rage at everyone else. And it’s horribly exhausting.

I should probably just go take an Ativan right now. I’m sorry I don’t have anything remarkably insightful to say. I’m sure as soon as the fog clears out of my head it’ll all come out.

And before I forget, I would like to list some of the things my sweet husband (of 7 years, this month!) does for me on a regular basis:

– I am not saying this to brag, but there are some people in this community who have called him “vile”, “dangerous”, and, my personal favorite!, “a bipolar” lately and I merely wanted to say that if loving vile is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Haters gonna hate! –

Hot towel massages, complete with calming music and scented lotion

Head/foot/shoulder/back/whatever aches rubs (sometimes 2/3 a day)

Random yummy surprises (candy bars/nachos and cheese/soda/OJ…my favorite things)

Romantic cards with smushy love letters written in them

Lots of house cleaning

Cleans the litter box

Wrestles with the kids every day, and makes it a point to show them how to treat a woman and what a woman should expect

Plus all the “regulars” like making dinner, unexpected trips out of the house (“Go out to eat, read a book, just relax!”)…shit, he’s even shaved my legs before.

I bet you all wish you had someone vile like him. 🙂

Optimus Prime and the Bipolar Bucket.

I’m gonna make this quick because Pillars is in CA, it’s been a CRAZY night with the kids (who just went to bed…), and my bed and Netflix are calling me…

I saw my therapist again yesterday after an excruciating 3.5 weeks. She had been on vacation. I went in kind of dreading it really, because I was going to have to recap my confusion, anxietydepersonalizations and depression, and it’s just a lot of stuff to cover.

She said that this week, she wants to conduct an experiment with the confusion/anxiety/depersonalization symptoms. She thinks they’re all anxiety symptoms, even though they don’t necessarily leave me shaky and nervous. So, I am regularly taking an ativan every day. (Although, I’m thinking it may need to be 2 per day). We’ll see if this week shows any marked improvements in that area. I expressed the symptoms being related to the lithium, and possibly lowering my dose, but she really wants me to try this first. I don’t mind. I like ativan. 😉

She has said it many times before, and said it again yesterday – I really don’t handle it well when things don’t go the way I want them.

I know this. It didn’t stand out as anything wrong until I was a grown adult with children. THEN, only then, did I say to myself, “Why am I acting like a 3 year old? I know how I should be acting/reacting. This is not it.”

Whatever. I’ll throw this in the bipolar bucket (see definition below). And by “whatever”, I don’t mean that I can get away with nasty behavior like that, but I mean that I am accepting that it’s not happening because I am a spoiled brat. That there is another factor involved.

Bipolar Bucket: My imaginary bucket that I will envision throwing all of the things about my bipolar self that I cannot change. If it were something I like, it would be pink with hearts and horses on it. Instead, I’ll make it black and put a big sticker of Optimus Prime on it. Because I’ve recently discovered that he’s awesome. And he has a sexy voice.

(Pillars has a sexy voice, too)

“Bipolar symptoms, ROLL OUT”


The Anxiety Strikes Back

All my clothes are getting tighter, and Im waking up to see a soda can sitting at the end of the bed. Ugh. Yeah, 3am potty break and I grab a soda too. :/ No wonder everything is tighter. I haven’t been to the gym more than two or three times in the past month.

However, I’m writing this from my favorite machine – hip abduction/adduction. What woman doesn’t love working her ass and inner/outer thighs at the same time?

Now that my oldest has started school, its time for me to reestablish a routine, and Im going to try to include the gym.

My mood chart reflects what I already know…that I’ve been in a depressed mood for the past 10 or so days, along with heightened anxiety. No signs of a hypomanic episode of course. That’s got me wondering…if I keep track of my elevated mood symptoms, why don’t I keep track of depressed mood symptoms? They are equally dangerous.

I haven’t considered it because I am so used to depression. I don’t have to reflect on my day to realize it. I don’t know if this is something that is necessary. Maybe it would be to help me know when to ask for help. Its one thing to just be down in the dumps for a few days, and something totally different to be thinking about harming yourself. So maybe Ill make a little list like I have for my higher episode symptoms.

I broke down and started taking Ativan again for my anxiety. Anxiety hasn’t been a problem for quite a while for me (maybe for a year even…which is amazing) but over the past few days, its returned to its pre-diagnosis paralyzing form. I appreciate having something available to help me, but I have forgotten how dysfunctional the anxiety makes me feel. At least when I am depressed or hypomanic, I truly believe that (a) I’m a horrible person, fail at everything I do, and my very existence is harming my children, or (b) that I am effing AWESOME and can do ANYTHING better than ANYONE.

But the bad anxiety makes me feel ill. My thoughts bounce around so bad that I can’t complete a simple task like putting away the mac n cheese my kids didn’t eat. I walk into the kitchen a few minutes after starting the task to see an empty pan, the leftovers in some tupperware, and then can’t remember ever STARTING that task, WHY I stopped it, or WHAT I did when I walked away.

My whole head almost feels fuzzy, like it’s vibrating. Like a piece of metal hit on something and then vibrating for a minute afterwards. I tend to move a lot too. If I’m not physically moving, then it feels like I am, because I’m vibrating. Ugh. Dear Baby Jesus. Where is this elusive “normal period” that I hear Bipolar people have? I don’t feel like I’ve had it yet, and that’s not very fair. I’ve had maybe 10-12 straight “normal” days, according to my chart, but that’s not long enough. I need a break.