I actually came out of therapy today excited. I know, I’m a weirdo 😉
Here’s how our convo went:
Iris: “So you had your first marriage counseling session yesterday…how was it?”
Me: “Good. Awkward. Uncomfortable. We were with a new neutral person, and here he is – the victim. And here I am – the offender…”
Iris: “Victim?? Offender?? He’s NOT a victim. You are NOT an offender. Why are you using those words? You didn’t commit a CRIME!”
Me: *eyebrows raised* “I BROKE A COMMANDMENT”
Iris: *laughing* “Yes, what you did was wrong. It’s good that you know that.”
At this point, I’m wondering why I feel so strongly about the commandments, and why she’s taking it so lightly. It looks like that huge ass tapestry of Jesus on my Granny’s wall and the constant play of Ben-Hur had more effect on me than I know.
Iris: “Who made you feel like you don’t matter?”
Me: “My parents, I guess. My Dad was always busy working, and when he wasn’t, he tried really hard not to be around. Emotionally, or physically. And my Mom was always busy cooking and cleaning and making sure everything was ‘just so’.”
Iris: “So they never really engaged you?”
Me: “No, I guess they just maintained me.”
Iris: “Did you have meals together.”
Me: “Oh yeah. Every night. Those were the worst. So tense and uncomfortable.”
Iris: “What?! That’s horrible. What were they like?”
Me: “I always had a nervous twitch going on…my leg shaking, tapping, stuff like that. And I always got fussed at by Dad for it. Anything that wasn’t -just right- got you fussed at.”
Iris: “Your whole life was like that. When someone came into your room, it was ‘Oh no, what did I do?'”
Me: “Pretty much.”
Iris: “You never got to figure out who YOU are because you were forced to maintain what they expected you to be. Normally, after leaving home, kids rebel and decide they’re not doing anything they were required to do at home. You never did that, you just carried all those expectations and requirements with you into marriage, and into motherhood. You had your little rebellion recently, I hope you enjoyed it because it’s not happening again. Now, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. If you feel like eating chicken every night, eat chicken. If you want to go to bed at 9, go to bed at nine.”
So basically, my goal is to not feel like I have to do anything because of someone else. Every day I am to take 15 minutes and write down what I LIKE. Anything. The goal is to learn who I am and what I like – without anyone’s influence.
She hit the nail on the head, for sure. I have always felt that way. Like I wasn’t able to be myself.
Now, I know my core values. I know I married the right man :):):) I know I love my children. That much, I know without a doubt. I guess it’s every other detail I have to ponder.
She said that once I figure this out, I’ll be less nervous. She said she sees a lot of women that don’t know who they are. They have just been something for someone for so long that they never figured it out.
Well, at least I’ll figure this out before I’m 30. Barely. lol