Irony. Karma. All of the above?


After having an abnormal pap smear a few weeks ago, the doc suggested a colposcopy. This is when the doc inserts a speculum, smears vinegar on your cervix to make the abnormal cells change color, looks in you with a microscope, and then plucks them out for the pathologist to determine if:

  • God just kicked you in the head you have cancer
  • Instead, God just punched you in the head you have HPV
  • it’s just an infection

I’m hoping for an infection. Or nothing. Remember my first post? https://bravingbipolar.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/betterthancancer/

Wouldn’t that be a bitch??

I hate “procedures”. Needles, anything like that. My sweet husband of course wanted to come with me this morning. He took the morning off from work so he could. But then my babysitter decided to be a no call/no show/no text. So he had to stay home with the kids while I cried the whole way to the doc office. I was a mess when I arrived; puffy eyes, swollen lips, etc. It was scary, but not very painful. I have a high tolerance for pain anyways, but I didn’t find it any more uncomfortable than a pap. It just sounded painful.

I was certain my day was doomed after all that. But so far, so good. And my husband is grilling steaks tonight, so it should only get better.

I was calculating it up today, and we spend over $300/month in babysitting, copays, and medication. And that’s of course WITH insurance. Ridiculous!

A few more side notes:

My sex drive changed a bit…we’ve had sex twice in 2 days, which is magnificent for us. Shoot, I think that’s great for ANYONE. And I’m genuinely enjoying it. It’s feeling different. But of course, this small part of me is on alert, thinking “Oh God, are you gearing up for another episode?”.

Which kinda leads to my next comment. I am my biggest critic. Even my husband doesn’t think or speak as ill of me as I do. I had been working on that before, and had gotten to the point where I could finally admit that I work hard and am a good mother. And I meant it. But now I’ve actually done some bad stuff. It was hard enough to be nice to myself when I hadn’t done anything wrong.  Yay.

My side effects to the lithium has changed a little. I now have that weird metallic saliva. Ewwwww. And my tremors are much worse. Big shakes, only in my hands though.

I see both my therapist and my psychiatrist tomorrow, so I’ll mention them both to them.

Lithium, nursing, rage, oh my.


I wanted to list some of my lovely Lithium side effects. I am 2 weeks into treatment, 900mg daily.

  • slight tremors in hands
  • occasional dizziness
  • increased appetite <—LEAST FAVORITE
  • confused easily (some might say this isn’t anything new)
  • tendency to space out
  • sleepiness

All of these have become less and less intense over the last several days, which the psychiatrist told me would happen. Good deal. And I can’t complain about the increased appetite too much, because compared to some of the other more serious side effects, it’s really no biggie.

I am still nursing my 17 month old, which the psychiatrist advised against. But I didn’t take his opinion 100% serious after he expressed his slight disgust at the idea of anyone nursing a child over the age of 12 months. So I called the lactation consultant I have been using on and off for 4 years and she told me what I was thinking: all research on lithium and nursing was done on newborns, and all of the studies concluded that the older and heavier the baby got, the less lithium showed in their blood work. So she supported me continuing to nurse, which I happily did, but I made an appointment to get the baby’s blood work done asap to check his lithium level. I found out yesterday that his level is normal (as was mine a week ago). This is a relief.

One slight concern I have had recently is my “short fuse” as my therapist called it. I have always been a very patient person, which is why I always thought I would have many children.  I lost my patience a few months after the 3rd was born, and attributed it to the fact that I was a busy, over-worked, over-tired mommy. However, it’s gotten a lot worse in the last few months (my hypomania started in December). And it’s not just with my kids, it’s with my husband, co-workers, strangers driving like idiots…

And I know that everyone gets pissed at other drivers, but I’ve been driving for 13 years now and have never felt like this.

So the therapist told me that if I don’t feel like my temper is any better by Monday to call the psych and see if it’s something that needs to be to be addressed before my next appointment with him (3 weeks away).